My mouth was open but no words came out.
I was standing on stage in front of paying people.
A full theatre audience that expected me to perform.
And I froze.
It kept on happening.
It would happen three or four times a year.
Desperately trying to find the words yet nothing arrived.
Literally speechless.
Fortunately for me, and for the audience, this was all in my head.
It was an recurring dream I had for over a decade.
My biggest fear was being on stage and going completely blank.
So much so I believed it whilst I was awake.
I would be in the dressing room and in the wings with my heart racing.
Picturing myself freezing.
This didn’t feel like excitement, but pure fear.
That’s how I framed it.
I didn’t then know that these two emotions are very much the same.
That fear was at forefront of my mind every time I was about to step on stage.
But then, interestingly, it never actually happened.
Years of being speaking in front of people and I never once went blank.
It happened countless times in my imagination but never in reality.
Not in the real world.
Only ever in my head.
The reality never aligned with the imagination.
This goes far beyond the stage of course.
This feeling of fear carried over into nearly every part of my life.
I had what we would now call the “imposter syndrome”.
It made me feel I wasn’t ready, prepared or qualified.
I believed it.
And I believed it to be a problem.
But interestingly I was actually improving.
My performances were getting better.
I was given a handful of lead roles that really pushed me.
I drove myself to rehearse, practice and learn my lines faster than anyone else.
To be completely prepared.
I didn’t want to freeze.
I didn’t want to fail.
I didn’t see it at the time but I was making real progress.
Imposter syndrome was actually my ally, not enemy.
It was bringing out the best in me.
It was pushing me out of my comfort zone.
It was making me do the work.
Action is always available.
Despite how we feel.
We can feel completely out of our depth and yet still take action.
We can feel unqualified or unworthy and still move.
Wherever that feeling comes from.
We may never know.
That voice, that doubt, that imposter might stick around.
But it isn’t there to stop us.
It’s there to make us better.
It’s evidence that we are moving forwards.
Keep acting.
Thanks for reading.
Nick